* It is illegal to have more than one working brake light at any given time.
* Using indicators creates great drain on your car’s battery, so don’t bother with them.
* Speeds indicated on road signs are minimum suggested speeds.
* The white line down the middle of the road should be kept – as far as possible – under the middle of your car.
* Double-parking is permitted as long as your hazard warning lights are on.
* Pedestrians: 1 point, cyclists : 2pts, motorbikes : 5pts, nuns : 6pts, nuns on motorbikes: 5000pts.
* When passing another car on a narrow road it is impolite to acknowledge the other driver in any way.
* All lanes in any approach to traffic lights should be equally full. The arrows you see painted on the road are remnants of a previous civilisation.
* Mini roundabouts do not exist.
* If you don’t regularly reach a speed of forty miles per hour between junctions your axles and differentials will not be properly lubricated and will rapidly deteriorate.
* Your journey is very important, theirs isn’t.
* Always bear in mind that although the passenger door is only about 1.5 metres away from you the outside of the car is another 1.5 metres beyond that.
* If you recently passed a cyclist you can ignore the previous rule. Instead, try to leave no more than 1mm between your wing-mirror and any parked vehicles.
*Ensure that, where available, you should always stop in the green boxes at traffic lights. The crude white outline of the bicycle in the green box is the forensic outline of a cyclist who was stupid enough to wait in this ‘safe car zone’
*Having pushed a cyclist into a curb (as is your duty as a car driver) you MUST look straight ahead. Eye contact means the cyclist is a real person rather than a crazed psychopath who deserves everything he gets.
*Aspire to owning ever bigger and bigger cars. You should be aiming for something with 4 x 6litre V12 engines. One for each wheel.