An Imagined Affair – Part 1

(A SKETCH IN THREE PARTS)

Kevin is an out-of-work actor, Martin works in publishing. They are both in their late 30s.

PART ONE
Interior, cheap London cafe.

MARTIN: Hello? Er, are you Kevin?
KEVIN: Yes, that’s me. Always try to be early, put my clients at rest.
MARTIN: (sitting down) Good. So… how does this work?
KEVIN: We have lunch…
MARTIN: …and?
KEVIN: Well, as you’ll know from our advert, at Safe Encounters we provide a service. A service to all kinds of people, men and women, but usually married people – you are married?
MARTIN: Yes, eight years.
KEVIN: Good. As I say, a service. We offer you all the excitement and intrigue of… (whispers) having an affair – (louder) without actually having it.
MARTIN: (unsure)…okay…
KEVIN: You’ll be surprised. Just try this for one day, spend a quick lunch here with me, and I guarantee you’ll sign up for the whole course.
MARTIN: …or my money back?
KEVIN: Yes!
MARTIN: Hmm. No offence, but I’m a straight bloke. How am I going to get excited about meeting you for lunch once a week? Can’t you send an attractive young lady – can’t I pretend to have an affair with her?
KEVIN: Lord, no. I’m afraid – no offence – you’re missing the point rather.
MARTIN: Oh. Am I?
KEVIN: Yes. This is a zero-risk operation.
MARTIN: Eh?
KEVIN: Have you ever had an affair?
MARTIN: (wistfully) No. Never even snogged anyone at the Christmas party.
KEVIN: Well then you can’t begin to imagine the pain, the hurt – do you have children?
MARTIN: Yes, two…
KEVIN: Well you’d be insane to put that at risk. Insane. Zero-risk is the only way to go…
MARTIN: But as I say, if you were female…
KEVIN: Not possible. If any friends or colleagues saw you with a woman – not your wife – they’d assume you were having an affair. If your wife found out, even just about lunch, she’d have some awkward questions for you… at Safe Encounters we carefully match clients with facilitators – we match for age and gender – anyone seeing you with me will assume I’m a business associate or and old school or university friend.
MARTIN: Ok. So how do I get my kicks, then? (suddenly embarrassed) Not to put too fine a point on it.
KEVIN: We’ll construct an affair. You choose a name for your object of desire, and as all Safe Encounters staff are trained actors or writers, we’ll flesh it out, we’ll work together – you’re a writer?
MARTIN: Journalist. Trade rags mostly…
KEVIN: Perfect. I’m an actor. We’ll work together to create a hyper-real fantasy that you’ll take away with you. It will stay with you long after you leave this table.
MARTIN: I don’t know…
KEVIN: The benefits will be enormous. Many of our clients find that they have improved self-esteem. They become more confident, even more interesting to their friends, colleagues and even partners. (leaning in) More attractive, even…
MARTIN: I’ll give it a go…
KEVIN: Good. We need a name. Always start with the name…
MARTIN: Can’t we start with the shoes?
KEVIN: Eh?
MARTIN: (without hesitation) Constance. Constance Breakwater.
KEVIN: What?
MARTIN: Constance Breakwater.
KEVIN: Okay, odd name, but that’s fine, it’s your movie – just one thing I need to check – she’s not a real person, is she? It’s vitally important that you don’t base your fantasy on anyone real, just in case…
MARTIN: No, she’s not real. Not with a name like that.
KEVIN: Good. I had a client once… well, never mind. So, this Constance Breakwater. Tell me about her.
MARTIN: She’s a graphic designer. No, too close to home. She’s a photographer. From Cornwall.
KEVIN: Good. What does she look like, how old..?
MARTIN: 23.
KEVIN: Oooh, okay, bit young, but I’ll let you get away with that. Just…
MARTIN: If I say ‘leggy blonde’ that’s too obvious I suppose.
KEVIN: A bit. It works better if you keep some grip on… reality…
MARTIN: No, you’re right I’d never get a leggy blonde… okay, she’s… redhead. Gamine. Can I have gamine?
KEVIN: I’m not entirely sure…
MARTIN: …you know what that means?
KEVIN: Er, frankly no.
MARTIN: Hang on, I’ll look it up on my laptop – pretend we’re discussing that PowerPoint presentation we need to get finished by Friday…
KEVIN: Heh heh, good one.
MARTIN: (tapping keys) – Here we go… ‘a girl with mischievous or boyish charm’.
KEVIN: Ok, I like that.
MARTIN (wistfully): So do I.
KEVIN: Excellent… so how did you meet?
MARTIN: Work?
KEVIN: Ok. That’s fine – as this is just a fantasy.
MARTIN: Yes. Just a fantasy. (swallowing food) Wouldn’t do this in real life, of course… in fact my father-in-law once told me – in a drunken moment – that you should never have an affair with anyone you work with or anyone who has less to lose than you do.
KEVIN: Wise man, your father-in-law.
MARTIN: Quite. Rather generous advice seeing as I was about to marry his only daughter.
KEVIN: You and Constance…
MARTIN: Met through work, she was in for a shoot… I vaguely knew her… artier work from an exhibition, got talking… she invited me to a private view of her next show.
KEVIN: Good… and you went along?
MARTIN: Yes. Summer evening. Drank a bit too much warm white wine on an empty stomach, stayed on until the end…
KEVIN: And one thing led to another?
MARTIN: What do you take me for? Not that night… just a… clinch.
KEVIN: Very good, see you’re getting into this already.
MARTIN: I was tempted, so very tempted. But confused. And clearly a bit too drunk so – kicking myself – I left her alone in her gallery and went home.
KEVIN: Full of regret?
MARTIN: Yes – couldn’t stop thinking about her, though…
KEVIN: Good. I think – forgive me – that this is a good place to pause.
MARTIN: Oh.
KEVIN: Trust me.
MARTIN: (sarcastic) ‘You’re an actor’.
KEVIN: Take this away with you – I want you to think about her, about your – ‘clinch’ was it?
MARTIN: Yes.
KEVIN: Good word, that.
MARTIN: I know. It’s my job.
KEVIN: Think about her, how sweet her lips tasted, this forbidden fruit… and I’ll see you next week.
MARTIN: (distant) yes… next week… okay… (pause) One more thing.
KEVIN: Yes?
MARTIN: …about the name. ‘Safe Encounters’
KEVIN: Yes?
MARTIN: Bit gay. No offence…