The play script
Peter Cook's play makes up a large chunk of the album, and for some it's at least as important as the music. Some people hate it, I admit. Judge for yourself!
Many many thanks to Carsten Heuer for taking the time and effort to transcribe the play so accurately! I have corrected certain bits from memory and welcome suggestions for remaining textual uncertainties, which are marked with (?words in brackets with question marks?).
I have also received another transcript from Barth Richards, and many thanks to him as well. I've included his dramatis personae here. Thanks also to Pierre Dhérété for filling in some of my gaps. It's so impressive that people whose first language is not English have had more success transcribing the play than I have!
Dramatis Personae
Mr Haig (played by Peter Cook) - A lawyer. The bulk of the play takes place in his office. He starts out a little tipsy and gets drunker as the play continues. By halfway through, he's sloshed. (His first name seems to be Victor, according to a page of script reproduced in the liner notes, although the name Victor doesn't appear once in the final version of the play.)
Malcolm Pepperman (Peter Cook) - Another lawyer. He is loud, tense, paranoid, pompous, and irritable. Almost everything he says is emphatic. It has been suggested he's based on Cook's fellow Beyond the Fringe performer Jonathan Miller.
Walter Stapleton (Peter Cook) - Mr Haig's client. He's from the North of England. It has been suggested he's based on Cook's fellow Beyond the Fringe performer Alan Bennett.
Lulu Stapleton (Judy Huxtable) - Mr Pepperman's client and Walter Stapleton's wife. She speaks with a thick (cod) French accent.
Mr Blint (Peter Cook) - The man downstairs. He always speaks in a calm, measured, unfluttered voice that has a large amount of reverb applied to it. He has something close to Peter Cook's E.L. Wisty voice.
Miss Farthing - Mr Haig's secretary. Her first name is maybe Judy, (Victor Haig says "Ah, there you are. Miss Farthing ? Judy? Where are you going?") - but then Judy Huxtable was playing the part of Lulu, so it might be her!
The characters, it should be noted, are all by and large grotesque stereotypes; a drunkard, a Jewish lawyer and a French prostitute. As Pepperman says "I'm a stereotype and always have been a stereotype. I'm not ashamed of it and I'm not proud of it. The whole thing is not an issue to me." Only Blint and Mr Stapleton are really out of the ordinary, Walter because he is so ordinary.
Side 1
Sides one and two of the LP set are music. They form a sort of overture in which we see signs that Nature has gone mad and is seeking revenge on mankind.
- Seascape
- Wind
- Fireworks
- Stampede
- Burial Scene
Side 2
- Sleeping Earth
- Honolulu Lulu
[OneWay CD1 Track 7]
Aloha, it's Honolulu Lulu from Hawaii
I saw you out the corner of my eye-ee
And here I come
Blowing one too many pages of your paper over
Pulling on the sails of your catamaran
As only I can, here I come
Aloha, alo, aloha
Aloha, alo, aloha
We're going to have to
Call in all the army and the navy and the air force
Everybody on the island
Every boy and every girl becoming soldiers
Conscription, aloha
(Chest in, tongue out, cough twice and they say, ah)
Description, o no-ah
Everybody's screaming, streets are teaming
With kamikaze rickshaw
And the hurricane keeps on blowing
Just as hard as she can blow
Will she ever let up, no
Panic station, evacuees
Description, refugees
Aloha, alo, aloha
Side 3
[OneWay CD1 Track 9]
song: 'Five O'Clock In The Morning'
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
You're lying in your bed
You wonder why it's not morning in your head
The day is open for business
But still your eyes are closed
You spread your dreams
Like butter on your toast
Open all the windows
And we're rolling up the blinds
All across the world
Are people wiping sleep from tired eyes
The faces on the curtains
All the Jekylls and the Hydes are gone
It's 6 o'clock in the morning
You're only half awake
The other half is shaving
And the toothpaste like a snake
Has slithered out the door of the bathroom
And it's hissing in your ear
Get up, get out, get out of here
The sound of people being people
Slowly fills the air
And all the crazy things they do
To get from here to there
And when the one you're holding
Runs her fingers through your hair
You're on
Shifting through the gears
It's 8 o'clock in the morning
It's been 8 o'clock for years
The factory gates are opening
To let the night shift out
And the day shift in
It's 9 o'clock in the morning
You've been this way before
But something seems to be different
And you can't quite put your finger on it at all
[OneWay CD1 Track 10]
(FX: cuckoo clock)
Blint: It was 10 o'clock on a wet and windy April morning. The hurricane that destroyed Honolulu was moving north towards Florida. Experts forecast that the weather would remain... unpredictable for the next few days. I checked my tarpaulin and all my equipment and logged them in my diary. My piano still needed tuning. Above me in my attic, four conflicting forces were about to gather. Perhaps only I knew what the day would hold...
(Harp FX)
Haig: I, I, I - eh dont't think it's too early to have a little sharpener... Er, would you care to join me, Mr Stapleton ?
Stapleton: (snoring, awaking) Oh, oh no not for me Mr Haig! I only drink at weddings...
Haig: Oh yes! That's the way I started. (slurping) Cheers !
(Intercom buzzer)
Farthing: Mr Pepperman and his client have arrived.
Haig: Ah well! Send them in!
Stapleton: This divorce - it's just a formality, isn't it Mr Haig ? I mean, we just sign the papers and go our separate ways like we always have...er, don't we ?
Haig: Yes Mr Stapleton. I , I see no, er...
(FX: door opens)
Farthing: This way Sir.
Haig Oh, good morning Mr ehmm...
Peppermen: ...Pepperman! Sorry I'm late. I was delayed by headwinds on the M4. It's terrible out. Thank God for the Rolls I say. Some of the cheaper cars were going backwards.
Walter: Hello Lulu!
Lulu: Bonjour Walter!
Pepperman: Before we sit down to discuss anything, I would like to put it on the record that my attention has been drawn to a gaping hole!
(A strange ethereal AHHHHHH! noise is heard whenever anyone says the word 'hole')
Haig: Ah yes... (laughing)
Pepperman: In the floor on which we stand, there is a large and gaping hole! (AHHHHHH!) Let us begin by clarifying whether this hole (AHHHHHH!) is with or without prejudice.
Haig: Ha, ha, ha. Yes, perhaps we ought to clear that up, ehm... (slurp). I'm, I'm - I'm not actually responsible for the hole (AHHHHHH!), although it is my office. It belongs to the main downstairs. Eh, the hole (AHHHHHH!) - that is not the office, ha ha eh ha. He is, as you've probably guessed, a, er, a pianist. And this is his hole (AHHHHHH!). Mr Blint was the only owner...
Pepperman: That's eh - that's Blint with a 'B' ?
Haig: Oh yes eh...! He was the only owner unwilling to sell, when this block was constructed, so - ha ha - as a compromise, the developers built round him; and technically - that hole (AHHHH!) - is a - is his attic.
(Walter snoring and Blint playing the piano under Pepperman's next speech)
Pepperman: It has never been my practise to conduct business in other people's attics. It never has been and it never will be. An attic is not an environment for a serious negotiation. I've never negotiated anything in an attic, and any business of any kind that I have conducted in an attic has been under duress! If this divorce is to succeed, as we all pray it will, it must be properly conducted within an agreed framework, and I trust this will not be a subject of... contention!
Haig: I don't think my client has any objections.
Walter: (again sleeping and awaking...) Oh I'm - I'm sorry, I dozed off again. Lulu and I've discussed it all. And we're in complete agreement that we should divorce one another with no acrimony or ill will.
Pepperman: Fine words Mr Stapleton, very fine words - but that's all they are, aren't they? Words! It's actions we need Mr Stapleton, actions speak louder than I do!
Walter: Ooh, whatever you say Mr Pepepeperman ?
Pepperman: Will you keep out of this! - Let me begin with the statement that I trust will not be a matter of dispute. I am Jewish and always have been. I'm not ashamed of it and I'm not proud of it. The whole thing is not an issue to me - it's irrelevant ! And I see no reason why my being Jewish should be dragged into the discussion at all. The fact that I've been massacred personally for thousands of years neither here nor there. So can we agree at least on one thing namely not to waste our time discussing whether I'm Jewish or not!
[OneWay CD1 Track 11 'When Things go Wrong']
(Music starts) I'm having enough difficulties with divorce already, without you poking your nose into it ! What's the point of inventing a problem when it isn't there?!
(Song - 'When Things go Wrong')
[OneWay CD1 Track 12]
(Haig uncorks another bottle, Walter is asleep again)
Walter: Oh, ah, sorry...
Haig: Cheers!
Pepperman: And now perhaps we can get down to the business in hand. You were good enough to send me an inventory of your clients alleged assets.
(Song 'Mine, Yours' runs under next speech)
Pepperman: I only riffled (?briefly?) through this list on my way here in the car, and am aware of a glaring omission. In this list I can find absolutely no mention what ever of hairpins. I've seen divorces break down on omissions far smaller than this.
Walter: But I haven't got any hairpins...
Pepperman: Are you seriously telling me that throughout your long, and judging by your shoes, successful career, you've never accumulateded a hairpin in any shape or form? Or even half a hairpin ?
Walter: Oh - er - what's 'half a hairpin' ?
Pepperman: What indeed? If you don't know what 'half a hairpin' is, how can our side be expected to believe that you're cognizant of what a 'whole hairpin' comprises? For all we know you may have a whole hoard of 'half hairpins' masquerading as whole hairpins concealed about the house.
Walter: Well, if there are any hairpins they're - er - Lulu's - I mean er - I don't use 'em much.
Pepperman: Which is exactly what I've trying to establish!
Blint: (coming upwards in his elevator) I make it around 10:17...
Haig: Ah, ha ha ha - er - sorry about this ...er, Mr. Blint! Yes my goodness me, so it is!
Blint: Yes. My bath's about three quarters full now. So I can't hang around for long. It takes 11 minutes to fill and 6 minutes to empty. By the time I have to fill it again, it would be 25 and a half minutes past ten, and I like to do a little work around then...
Pepperman: We are in the middle of a rather serious business negotiation Mr -er- BLINT!
Blint: Yes. I heard quite a lot of it. Your goldfish looks hungry Mr Haig...
Haig: Yes, thank you - ha. Are we to understand that you tell the time by constantly filling and emptying your bath ?
Blint: Oh no ! That would be an idiotic way to operate. I don't know about you, but I rely on a watch. What I was telling you was basically a foolish lie...
Haig: I, I realise of course that you are standing in your attic, or hole (AHHHH!). And I have every right to do so, but could you possibly see your way to - er to er...
Blint: Piss off! Yes, I've got rather a difficult transition to make with the wind section. Oh just one piece of advice you might be able to use - seventeen.
(Rain and thunder FX - singing runs under next section)
Blint: I'll be downstairs if you need me. I'll be still downstairs if you think you don't need me.
Pepperman: Despite your assurances, Mr Haig, we seem to be back to square one. Mr Blint, who you so gaily brushed aside as irrelevant, has now become a germane by getting us in what I always feared what happen, namely a 'business in the attic' situation.
Haig: Absolutely! I'll, I'll drink to that! In fact I'll drink to anything... Well - here's to him not disturbing us again. Ha ha, he's never done it before...
Singing: 'Keeping a date with the rain! Keeping a date with the...'
Walter: I don't think it greatly matters. He only came up and went down again.
(Music ends, Thunder FX)
Haig: Now, since Mr Pepperman has raised the important issue of non-disclosure, perhaps we can move on to Mrs Stapleton's teeth, which seem to be omitted from our list of assets.
Walter: I don't want her teeth!
Haig: You may not want them now, but who knows what the future holds...
---
?Side B?
Pepperman: True, true - if our side have omitted our teeth, we have erred, we have erred! When did you last count your teeth Mrs Stapleton ?
Lulu: My teeth? I 'ave never bothered to check!
Walter: Oh - perhaps I can help here. Thirty-two. I looked one night when she was asleep. I was a bit restless, you know, and I thought, if I counted her teeth, it might make me drowsy...
Pepperman: Did you make it a habit to spy on your wife when she was most vulnerable?
Walter: Oh no! I was - er - just passing by, and she had her mouth open. I thought I'd tot them up.
Lulu: What is the problem ?
Pepperman: You are the problem! But perhaps Mr Haig and I can hammer out a formula, and it will greatly assist me if you two went away!
Walter: Well - er - Rome wasn't burnt in a day. Come on Lulu...
Haig: Well - went to join me in a glass of eh- haha - something...
Pepperman: No no thank you Mr Haig, but do you mind if I smoke...
Haig: Yes! I, I, I used to be a just eh- eh (?ten minute?) a day man myself... you know how these things build up.
Walter: (speaking to Lulu) You're looking well love... How's work?
Lulu: You know - comme ci, comme ca... about seven a day. And for you, the business is good?
Walter: Well, let's say: steady. But nothing worth setting the Thames on fire for... You know that at 55 I feel like a break. Nothing drastic, but I like the look of that hang gliding. I think you would do me good to get up in air a bit and see life from another angle... I don't think I've been missed the factory, though I can't be sure. I've not been in for four months.
Lulu: What is this 'ang gliding, Walter ?
Walter: Well, you've got these wings you see...
Lulu: Wings?
Walter: Aye, and you jump off a cliff or summat. It doesn't really matter what you jump off. I've only got a 20 foot drop here, so I wouldn't get much of a glide from this window. And it's not a good day for a debut... Oh look at the old lady with the brolly - she shouldn't be tryin' it. According to my manual you shouldn't try an umbrella glide in a cross wind. There - what did I tell you - she's blown in to a lamp-post! If you are not a pigeon, don't eat corn, that's what I say... We made that mistake, didn't we Lulu ?
Lulu: I 'ave no idea...
[OneWay CD1 Track 12 'Lost Weekend']
SONG - LOST WEEKEND
[OneWay CD 2 track 1]
Walter: Oh well, that's a load off my mind. I don't want to be a trouble maker, but mightn't it be simpler if we didn't bother about the divorce?
Pepper: Not bother?
Walter: Yes! It was save all this trouble between you and nice Mr Haig...
Pepperman: It is not my habit to quarrel. I had never quarreled in my life. We are merely trying to agree at a rational level how best to construct a solid divorce. And now, after all this time, when you are already semi-divorced, you raise the whole miasma of not getting divorced at all. This is becoming a legal nightmare !
Walter: You can't teach ducks to dance...
Pepperman: Might I ask one question to which there should be a straight forward 'yes or no'!
Haig: Yes!
Pepperman: Do you have an outside line ?
Haig: Oh yes. They're all outside in here.
(intercom buzzes)
Miss Farthing: Just to reminder you, Mr Haig to feed the goldfish.
Haig: Er - let me have that in writing later.
Farthing: ...and your wife's on the line from the yacht.
Haig: Oh, is she? Well - eh -ha! Tell Veronica I'm, I'm...
Blint: (from below) ...half pissed.
Farthing: ... you're 'in conference' Mr Haig...
Haig: Which is exactly what I'm in... 'in conference'.
(after Mr Pepperman finished dialing on the phone a voice comes up)
Telephone voice: (singing somewhat in the barber's shop quartet style) Labrokes! Good morning! Gambling is our trade...
Pepperman: This is 'M' for Malcom, 'P' for Pepperman, Malcom Pepperman, PEC2528. How do you bet the (?Nembutal Triumph Hurdle?) ?
Telephone voice: (sings) Sorry, no racing! No flat or steeple chasing! The course is flooded, flooded...
Pepperman: I'll try the greyhounds then!
Telephone voice: (sings) No - dog racing.
Pepperman: Not the weather surely...
Telephone voice: (sings) ...they cannot find the dogs!
Pepperman: Jesus!
Telephone voice: (sings) Labrokes, good morning!...
(Mr Pepperman slams the phone down)
Haig: I enjoy a little flutter every now and then. Did you have anything on World War II?
Pepperman: No! It was too big a field.
Haig: Yes, yes absolutely - absolutely right. But I looked up the form, studied the various strengths and weaknesses, trainers reports and so on; and at the time, the Germans look like a racing certainty. So I had two thousand quid on the Bosche - odds-on, of course. I hadn't reckoned on the Americans - they messed up the whole event. World War Two did me absolutely no good at all.
Pepperman: Well - It can't win them all!
Haig: Exactly! My father made a killing on the Titanic... fantastic odds.
Pepperman: And I got 10 to 1 on Korea for a tie. Very very tasty that!
Walter: I use a pin if I can find one...
Pepperman: Mr Haig and I have solved the matter of the pins, Mr Stapleton!
Walter: Oh dear, yes I'm sorry to intrude...
Haig: So here's to you keeping well out of it! Huh? Cheers!
(Spooky percussion under Walter's next speech)
Walter: It's odd you know, 'no dogs'... It reminds me... I went to the butcher's the other day and ordered that leg of lamb. Well, I've known Jack Harris for years. But when I asked for the leg of lamb, he gave me this strange look, and I thought: That's strange! Jack Harris giving me a strange look. I mean, we're not strangers, but he gave me this strange look. But I thought nothing of it. And he went to the back of the shop where he keeps the lamb and come back. Well, there was nothing odd about that. That's what he usually does. But when he handed the lamb over, he gave me this strange look again. So I looked at the leg of lamb, so he'd given me a bunch of six carrots. Well, it's not like Jack to give you six carrots instead of a leg of lamb, because he's never specialised in vegatbles as a butcher. But I paid my seven pounds and thought nothing of it. But on the way home, I ran into Mrs Kretch from Number 4 and told her about the carrots. She said: 'That's starnge, because I was in Jack Harris's shop yesterday and ordered some best mince. Well, he gave me this strange look. And when he came back with the mince, it wasn't in a plastic bag like normal. He gave me this box. All wrapped up in silver paper with a pink ribbon around it. Well I thought nothing of it. But when I got home and opened it up, I found three twigs. Well, it's not like Jack to give you twigs instead of mince. And Hermes - that's my cat - is not a big twig-eater. Anyway I - I turned round and called Hermes, and it wasn't there. I haven't seen him since. I reckon he knew about the twigs...'
Blint: Excuse me prying, but what colour of knickers are you wearing Mrs Stapleton?
Pepperman: Is this really necessary Mr Blint?
Lulu: Ça m'est égal. I don't mind. The knickers are black.
Pepperman: Satisfied Mr Blint? My client's knickers are black! And now would you please go away?!
Blint: Oh yes! It was just that in the eventuality of the lady leaping over my hole (AHHHHH!) while I was downstairs, I could be quite certain, that some crow had not invaded the premises - which reminds me: I'd better get on with ...IT !
(Sinister chord, thunder and rain FX)
Pepperman: Get on with anything you like! - Just one little query Mr Haig: Have we agreed that the teeth are ex parte?
Lulu: It's so boring these teeth! I go with Monsieur Blint.
Haig: Ex parte teeth! I'll have to drink about that...
Lulu: It's a very nasty little place you have 'ere... *
[Note: this line also appears in Peter Cook's film Bedazzled.]
Blint: Thank you! Musicians flourish in an atmosphere of studied chaos. It's taken me years to achieve this mess.
Lulu: You play much ?
Blint: Oh yes! I'd say I was married to my piano. I have all the questions, and she has all the answers. Let me see: What are you? Oh yes, definitely: C-sharp minor. (Plays chord) I'm E-flat, so we're reasonably compatible. (Plays chord) Your husband looks like a G-major. (Plays chord).
Lulu: I only married Walter to get a work permit. I am - ah - how you say - in English, a 'masseuse'.
Blint: Rosie was a C-sharp-minor.
[OneWay CD 2 track 2]
SONG: ROSIE Blint: (speaking over his out-of-tune piano) Rosie, I wish that you were here
I miss you so much Rosie, my dear
My Rosie
Rosie, I miss the hell that we raised
and the trails that we blazed
I miss the other half of me
(song proper)
My Rosie, my Rosie
Rosie, we played our song to death
now the piano's out of tune
and the singer's out of breath
My Rosie, my Rosie
Rosie do you love me still?
Rosie my little daffodil
I was a lanky private
who thought he knew it all
swept off his feet by a right bobby dazzler
the WRAFs and the WRENs, like old mother hens
strutting through our lives going
(cluck, cluck) Private who?
(cluck, cluck) He's no good for you!
Those were the years when beer was beer
and you knew where you stood
the laughing stock of the neighbourhood
Down at the local Palais
Me and lads were having a knees-up
I turns round to Harry
'What's that noise rattling the tea cups?
Better get your heads down, sounds like another V-1!'
Blint: (in the middle of the song) Everyone was screaming and shouting and making the most appalling noise so not unnaturally I popped out to see exactly what had happened. Somebody told me that the bomb had missed the Palais by inches but had totally destroyed the next street. The next street? We live in the next street. Rosie! ROSIE!
Song: Rosie, I wish that you were here
I miss you so much, Rosie, my dear
My Rosie, Oh Rosie
Rosie do you love me still?
Rosie my broken daffodil
[OneWay CD 2 track 3]
Lulu: Oh Monsieur Blint ?
Blint: (awakes from his reverie) ROSIE? - Ah, Mrs Stapleton. Did you hear the news about Wall Street?
Lulu: No! I don't work the streets, I visit hotels.
Blint: It fell today, amidst active trading. They estimate it will take four years to rebuild.
Lulu: Poor little girls... I am 34, Monsieur Blint.
Blint: Naturally!
(Skipping to the scene upstairs)
Miss Farthing: (on intercom) I wonder if I could go home a little early Mr Haig?
Haig: (now very drunk) How early?
Farthing: Now. My niece is on fire.
Haig: Same excuse every time!
[OneWay CD 2 track 4 'Office Chase']
(Screaming and chaotic noise from outside)
What the hell is going on in there? I can't get to work with all that banging! - Hello, - hello, - hello - Miss Farthing? You're all right ? - Well, just bring in whatever papers I wanted...
(Miss Farthing's terrible screaming)
Haig: Ah, there you are. Miss Farthing? Judy? Where are you going?
(Voices of other office workers in the background: 'Off home early are we dear? I suppose your niece is on fire again, Miss Farthing?' and nightmarish synchronized typing effects)
(Wind FX and banging)
Blint: Stop that! Stop that please! I'm trying to concentrate. Very well, let's see if it works...
(Blint's piano playing stops the banging and wind)
[OneWay CD 2 track 5]
Pepperman: So as I understand it, the grounds for divorce are mutual neglect.
Walter: That's right. We eh, we work different shifts you see. Lulu does 'night work'.
Pepperman: Then why isn't she here now? It's broad daylight! How can I be expected to divorce you successfully, or even get a separation, if you won't stay together in one room?! We still have to Polaroid Mrs Stapleton's teeth!
Haig: Yes, I, I've got the camera here!
Blint: I - er - just popped up to see if I was disturbing you...
Pepperman: To be frank Mr Blint: You are! He he, there you are Mrs Stapleton - yes! If it's money you're after, I'm willing to rent your hole (AHHHHH!) for an agreed period.
Blint: Oh no ! - I was just telling Mrs Stapleton about the piano and the wind. I also mentioned that though my musical orientation is more Bach than Beach Boys, I do take an interest in the world of popular music. I'm something of an expert, but can be fallible. I remember being very surprised by Gene Chandler and the 'Duke of Earl'. I never saw that as chart material. The lyrics meant little to me: 'Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke Duke, Duke; - Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl...'
(Blint continues reciting the lyrics under the next dialogue)
Haig: Would you smile please, Mrs Stapleton?
Lulu: Smile? Me? What about?
Pepperman: Not about anything! We need documentation!
Haig: (trying to handle the camera) How do these bloody things focus?
(FX Camera shutter)
Walter: I've never seen her smile before - I'm not sure that I like it...
Haig: (the photo coming out of the Polaroid slips into the goldfish bowl) Sorry Roland! It seems to be developing in spite of everything...
Pepperman: You can stop smiling now Mrs Stapleton. It's getting on my nerves!
Blint: (ending his monotonous mumbling of 'Duke of Earl') They didn't grab me. On the other hand, I was the first to recognize at the 'At the Hop' as a chart-bound sound. You see Danny and the Juniors had a... Well, never mind. I see that I'm distracting you from your work - and me from MINE!
(There is a loudhailer in the background telling people to evacuate the area).
Walter: That's what me dad used to say: 'The feast is more than enough'.
Pepperman: Now, if all relevant parties will sign the Polaroid...
(Goldfish FX)
Lulu: (in the background with her husband trying to write down 'Stapleton') How do you spell 'Stapleton', Walter ?
Walter: (also in the backgound) Here's, now with an 'S' - that's right - 'T' - 'A' - 'P' - eh no : 'P'...
Pepperman: How can I be expected to carry on in an orderly fasion, if in addition to Mr Blint and his hole (AHHHHH!) - or attic - I'm consistently distracted by your goldfish, Mr Haig! Have you no control over this goldfish, or was this golfish installed deliberately to distract?
Walter: I think he just wants to get out...
(FX: Distant honking of horns)
Pepperman: And so do we all! I never wanted to come in! But how can I concentrate with one eye on a demented goldfish, and the other on some crank downstairs, who talks about the wind and his piano?! Wind and pianos are not the issue!
Haig: Yeah, I'm sorry about Roland. My - my secretary forgot to remind me to feed him. I'll give him a snifter of what I'm having; that usually works with me. Now, that's better. Now, where was I - erm - where were you - erm - where was everybody?
(FX Blint coming up in his lift)
Blint: This attic is exactly seventeen points south west of the pyramid, of which you've doubtless seen photographs.
Haig: Mr Blint, we're trying to sort something out. If you'd like to take a seat and listen quietly by all means do so, if you don't, don't.
Blint: No, it's not that. I just wanted to point out that pyramids are similar to icebergs, which are basically E-flat. What you see in these photographs is only the tip of the pyramids, whereas it's a matter of record that pyramids continue endlessly downwards till they come out of the other end as the top of deserts. Deserts beeing one of the few places where you don't get much FIRE or FLOODING.
Pepperman: We are not here to discuss fire, flooding or 'E-flats'!
Blint: In that case I leave you to weightier matters - would you like me to calm your goldfish, Mr Haig ?
Haig: Roland can take care of himself, he always has...
Blint: On your own head be it.
Lulu: The fish ! Look at it !
(FX: faint breaking glass)
Pepperman: He's jumped out of the window!
Haig: Help God ! Poor old Roland...
Walter: That's life: Gone today, gone tomorrow... (Song: Cool, Cool, Cool)
Your life is over (so is mine)
You've been seen floating down the river
round the river
bend
You've been seen with someone else
lately I've been told
funny how that kind of news
can somehow leave you
cold
No bones were broken
but give it time
I'll be found floating down the river
with the matchwood, the driftwood
and Harry the Horse
knifed in the back
in the revolving doors
all those words of love unspoken
lying tongue-tied and frozen
choking back these lines
It's cool, cool, cool in the morning
and it's cool, cool, cool at night
it's cool, cool, cool in the evening yeah
it's cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool
it's cool, cool, cool at...
daylight is over, night-time is on its way
like a cat on a hot tin roof
like a mouse on the run from the owl
when you're caught like a rat
in the empty top hat of the night
even shadows have shadows
and a long silhouette
all the black notes of pianos
play strange cadenza
[OneWay CD2, track 7]
Blint: It's not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
[OneWay CD2, track 8]
(Song: Cool, Cool, Cool reprise)
It's cool, cool, cool in the morning
and it's cool, cool, cool at night
it's cool, cool, cool in the evening yeah
it's cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool it's cool, cool, cool at...
[OneWay CD2, track 9]
(FX: A human body crashes throught the window into the office)
Haig: Veronica! How many times have I told you not to disturb me at the office?
Walter: She doesn't look too well, Mr Haig.
Pepperman: If my experience is anything to go by, and it is, this woman is dead!
Lulu: Call a doctor!
Walter: Oh I'll get your skirt, love, it's it's blown off. You'll catch a death standing this draft.
Pepperman: The phone's gone dead!
Haig: And so's Veronica! (sob) We've had our ups and downs, but I never thought that it would come to this. I reckoned a cruise to the Canaries would do her good, set her mind at rest.
Walter: And she's taken every precaution: she's wearing her life belt...
[OneWay CD2, track 10]
(Song: Sailor)
Sailor I love you
but you only love the sea
sailor what's happening to me?
like a ship in a bottle
you ache for the sea
sailor, ache a little for me
I'll haunt every harbour 'til the sea decides
if our love goes in or out with the tide
I'll still be here when the ocean's dried
oh sailor, you're still my man
sailor I love you
but you only love the sea
sailor why don't you love me
love me?
[OneWay CD2, track 11]
Pepperman: Are you telling me that this woman has been blown off some yacht?
Haig: It's the only rational explanation!
Pepperman: For goodness sake! Somebody block up that window, I can't hear myself think!
Haig: If we push these two filing cabinets over to the right...
Walter: Oh I, eh -push - yes I'm pushing...
Lulu: Hurry up Walter, I'm freezing!
Pepperman: There is still a very nasty gap at the top, Mr Haig. I can't operate with hailstones flying round me!
Haig: I think my wife may be just the ticket. If you take the feet Mr Stapleton...
Walter: She looks strangely peaceful. You know what my dad said on his death bed?
Haig: As a matter of fact, no!
Walter: I'll forget his last words. He looked at me and said: 'I'm, er, I'm not dead y...'. I think he was trying to tell me something. Those fire engines can't get through the water, can they ?
Haig: It's all rather odd. I mean - what's an oil rig doing in the West End?
Walter: Oh look at that Lulu, Big Ben's on fire!
Lulu: Ah oui! It is very pretty!
Walter: But that wave should put it out - ha, ha! - What did I tell ya?
Haig: Veronica!
Pepperman: For God's sake get that corpse back on that filing cabinet: there's water everywhere! Why was I not informed about this water? I've had enough for today! Come on Mrs Stapleton, I'll drop you back.
(Distant explosion FX)
Lulu: In your big black Rolls Royce?
Pepperman: Yes! What else?
Lulu: It just blew up! 'Puff' it went!
Pepperman: God in heaven! Persecuted personally for two thousand years, and now this! It's a pogrom!
Walter: It looks more like an earthquake. Did you notice something ?
Pepperman: Certainly! It's in fifty thousand pieces! Fifty thousand tiny hand-tooled pieces!
Walter: No I, I, I meant a while back, when Mr Blint played his piano downstairs - it all went quiet.
Blint: That's very perceptive of you Mr Stapleton, and rather unexpected in a G-major.
Pepperman: The world's falling apart and you talk about G-majors?
Blint: Yes. I've been trying to tell you for some time about my concerto, and how the pyramids link up with seventeen. By the look of things outside, I'd better work out that awkward transition in the last movement. It's quite a tricky exercise to blend fire and water effectively.
Haig: Don't rush away Mr Blint - have a drink! (slurps) We're only just getting to know you. What's all the stuff about firewater and your piano?
Blint: I've no time to explain that now! I could have told you when I popped up before to enquire about the lady's underwear and offered to calm your goldfish. But you had more important things to do - so have I - now. I wonder if there is an after life? I've given it a great deal of thought, read a fair share of learned tomes, but have yet to come down on one side or the other. It's getting very dark, isn't it? Either the evenings are drawing in with the advent of summer, or the clouds and smoke are obscuring the sun. Personally, I plump for the latter.
Lulu: Don't leave us Monsiuer Blint. I give you a nice massage - French even...
(fx Blint going down in his lift)
Blint: No thank you! I be grateful if you don't all peer at me down my hole. It's most distracting, and er - I don't want to nail up my tarpaulin - yet.
Pepperman: Let's get some lights on. And what the hell is that ?
Walter: He's started up some machine...
Haig: I think something must be happening! Let's look at the television.
Walter: Yes, I like to keep informed.
Omnes: SHHHH!
TV-Announcer: ...there will be no further cuts in the defence budget, which he described as more than adequate. In an atmosphere, which was described as constructive, world leaders continued to discuss the worsening weather situation. A joint commuiqué is expected later today.
(Howling wind FX, harmonica plays 'Silent Night', and a choir builds up over it)
Voice: Pull yourself together, soldier!
Australian soldier: (writing a letter) My dearest Debbie! This is just to let you know that things are looking a trifle bleak. It's hard in a way fight something you can't see. I just want you to know, Debbie dear, I love you and always will; I'm not writing this, my old mate Jimbo is doing that 'cos he's still got his arms. Then, I'm lucky 'cos I've got me legs. I'd better close now darling, 'cause I think I'm going to die. Cherio Love!
[OneWay CD2, track 12 'Mobilization']
(Music - ?Russian? voices.
American miltary radio: This is (???) Global Three, do you read me (???) Zero?
Loud and clear you black asshole, it's FUBAR
Do you have a read out on the (???) ATC?
Negatory, we're taking a lot of Soviet wind or it could be Chinese.
British officer: Good God, Hawkins, look at that cloud.
British soldier: Is it one of our's or one of their's, sir?
British officer: It really doesn't matter now, Hawkins, just follow the orders.
[OneWay CD2, track 13]
(FX: TV goes dead)
Lulu: ...like the Rolls, Puff he went.
Pepperman: Try the other channels!
Haig: There's nothing on any of them.
Lulu: They all disappeared!
Pepperman: This is chaos! There is no television! Will somebody tell me what the ground rules are in this situation?!
Haig: Well, I think the best way to deal with it, is to remain very calm. (slurp) On the face of it, and this is just an educated guess, we seem to be approaching the end of the world as we know it.
Lulu: So what do we do ? My hair is such a mess!
Walter: Do what the gentleman says, love: Stay calm. There's no chicken without a stone...
Pepperman: How can I stay calm when the whole building's shaking?
Haig: We stay calm by simply thinking about something soothing. Let's all think of the sea, of the gentle eddies and... - I DON'T WANNA DIE, I DON'T WANNA DIE, MR BLINT, MR BLINT!
Pepperman: I can corroborate that he does not want to die Mr Blint, he does not want to die and neither do I want to die Mr Blint - Jesus!
Lulu: The lights have gone!
Blint: Having one's own generator is quite a blessing at times like these. The lighting's quite adequate downstairs. I'm a reasonably skilled electrician. I was once asked to turn professional, but I don't think I would have enjoyed the publicity. I've always been rather a private person. I'd better start on the tarpaulin for the hole (AHHHHH!). It needs nailing pretty firmly to the floor. (SORT OF ANTI-AHHHHH NOISE). I brought up a couple of torches. I thought they might be handy.
Haig: Thank you very much Mr Blint. I'm sorry about that screaming, it's hereditary.
Blint: Not at all! Feel free to scream.
Pepperman: Mr Blint, I have a confession to make. I'm a stereotype and always have been a stereotype. I'm not ashamed of it and I'm not proud of it. The whole thing is not an issue to me. Can I ask you quite openly, as one human being to another to help me - to help us all for my own sake?
[OneWay CD2, track 14 'Please, Please, Please']
(Song: 'Please, Please'. The other characters plead with Blint.)
Haig: I have a lot of very useful connections, I really would be extremely grateful if I could in any way assist.
Pepperman: I know money is a dirty word, but it's very nice to have, and I'll give you anything I have within my possession.
Walter: I'd introduce you to me dad, but he's, er, gone. But I'll take you to the grave.
[OneWay CD2, track 15]
Lulu: Won't you please help us ?
Blint: With what?
Walter: Oh, this weather is dreadful! It's on days like these that I'm glad my dad's not alive to witness it...
Blint: If it's a matter of quelling the elements, I'm really the man to turn to! You could almost call it a hobby horse of mine. I think this tarpaulin should hold out most of the debris. My calculations show that the building will tend to fall outwards from the inside rather than vice versa.
Lulu: You have worked all this out?
Blint: Oh yes! I've always been very meticulous about being prepared, ever since Rosie was taken. You remember my little discourse on the inverted pyramid?
Haig: Oh yes! I was absolutely fascinated. About it being, er - HEEEELP!
(FX: Building starting to fall apart)
Blint: If we take this goldfish bowl to represent the world, and as a rough guidline assume that Mr Pepperman's nose is a pyramid, we can see how much my theory works out in practice. Put your nose in the bowl, Mr. Pepperman...
Pepperman: ...delighted, only too delighted - ouh...
Blint: Now, If we take the air to be sand, and the water to be air, you'll notice that only the tip of the nose is theoretically visible, whereas you can see there is a great deal more to Mr Pepperman than his nose.
Walter: I never thought of it that way, it's uncanny.
Blint: And by a rough calculation, just -er- shine the torch on his trousers here, would you ? - This area is the Gobi dessert.
Walter: And your music does something to weather because of SEVENTEEN?
(the noise of the weather stopps apruptly)
Blint: Well, that's not the totality of the concept, but you're getting warm. I must get some more nails...
Pepperman: Naturally!
Blint: If you want to join me, you'd better jump...
Pepperman: JUMP?
Haig: JUMP?
Walter: JUMP?
Lulu: I don't understand - what is it he can do ?
Walter: I don't know, love. You can't bend muck...
Pepperman: If we get out of this alive, I promise to give up smoking (drags)
Haig: And I'll never drop another touch of drink...
(music swells and ends on 'Honolulu Lulu' theme)
(FX More building collapses)
Pepperman: I'll go first! I'll go first!
Blint: Yes Mr Pepperman! Your body will form a nice soft cushion for the later fallers.
Lulu: (now jumping!) Here I am coming... PARDON!
Blint: (watching Lulu while she is falling) Yes! Definately black!
Walter: After you Mr Haig! There's - there's nothing in my manual about gliding indoors...
Haig: Give me a shove, there's a good chap; I've never been good in falling down... (jumps) - My whisky's broken!
Walter: Well I have just to improvise. Better take a run at it.
Pepperman: Don't just dangle there!
Walter: I've got me wings caught on the edges...
Blint: Might I suggest raising your arms to a vertical position?
Walter: (falling) Oh, my...
Blint: I can use your wings to reinforce my tarpaulin, which I'd better fix now.
Pepperman: If it helps in any way, I am to blame for everything. Everything that has ever going wrong in the world is my fault! I did the crucifixion personally, I bought the nails, I acted alone, there was no conspiracy, Hiroshima was my idea, I accept full responsibility, and I'm willing to atone for my sins in any way and put it in writing.
Blint: Er - shut up!
Pepperman: If my shutting up is of any assistance, then I'm only to willing to do so.
Blint: I'll just see if all my papers are in order and bring my diary up to date. 'Six minutes past eleven: diary brought up to date: Further destruction of remaining office buildings; Attic collapsing; tarpaulin in place.' As a G-major, Mr Stapleton: You handle the baton.
Walter: But I've never conducted anything...
Blint: All you have to do is to tap with authority and then wave... Can you read music, madame?
Lulu: I have never studied...
Blint: Just turn the pages when I nod. And you Mr Pepperman can lead the applause when the solo pianist enters.
Pepperman: But you're here already.
Blint: You'll have to imagine me entering - Mr Haig will do the commentary.
Haig: Well, I ? - Oh yes, so I will !
Blint: Start tapping your baton, Mr Stapleton.
Haig: The lights dim, there is an expectant thrush in the audience as we wait for the entry of Mr Blint. And here he comes now. The audience bursts into spontaneous applause...
Pepperman: Bravo Mr Blint, bravo!
Walter: Ooh do you look smart, Mr Blint, in that lovely (? ?)
Haig: Hip, hip hurray! - He's seated now and almost ready to begin...
Blint: Lead me in with a count of SEVENTEEN, Mr Stapleton, then wave your baton.
Walter: Yes -ehm- oh - eh - ONE, two, three, four...
[LP Side 6, OneWay CD2, track 16 'Blint's Tune Movements 1-17']
Walter: ...five, (counting faster) six, seven, eight ... sixteen, SEVENTEEN...
Instrumental music - Blint's Theme
THE END